Looking through my eyes does not feel as it used to. The way my eyes are connected to my conscious is novel. This sense of a disconnect from the actual ever-present, evolving world is paramount to the man I’ve become. In essence, my current human shell housing my soul seems unfit for the voyage I must take. In definition, third person perspective is the vehicle by which a narrative is expressed to a reader. On the other hand, first person is the way one gives an account directly from the mind of the story teller; the one telling the story is the story in short. Personally, I feel as though I am caught in the midst of an unthinkable “second hand” perspective. Certain aspects of my emotional being and physical being feel as though any one else would describe, but at times I feel an absolute dissimilarity. This limbo, if you will, creates a robotic and emotionless altered state of mind. There is no other way to describe it than to say it is a sensation of drunkenness, fatigue, chemical intoxication, and lifelessness. I do not think, I do not move. I am no more conscious than the very chair I sit upon. Could there be something to this? Examining this thought minutely, is this what is normal and am I the only one that has made this realization? I can never expect an answer to my unthinkable question. In closing, to the few of you who read this; if you have at any time (in a sober state of mind) felt this feeling please vocalize your thoughts.

People say life is confusing. I have been sitting here in front of this hunk of plastic and metal; thinking. Thinking is a pretty dangerous thing to do if you do not do so with correct supervision. Narrowing down my options has left me with the next 4 options in life; College, music, the work force, being a bum. Some folks in my family would probably not hesitate to say that I could teach college courses on the last option (being a bum).

I am sick of how things end.

There is never any closure. EVER.

How do I figure something out if I do not know what is in question?

Openly struggling with the same problems, addictions, and questions for the past 5 years is sickening. My life is stagnant. Plateau.

If anyone can tell me when I last progressed without almost instantly regressing, I will literally give you five dollars.

The only thing changing within me is my physical age.

Nothing turns out right.

Something has to turn out right.

Does is not?

Why is the past so appealing, but the future scares the hell out of me? Alone. Realistically, this is all I can feel. Sometimes I wonder if this is really how I want it.

How does one man confuse himself this much? 

Rant 1.

Music.

So much has been happening over the past… well nine months. (Obviously.) I have chosen to part ways with Formulas. My mind goes in close to one million directions when I think about this decision. Currently, I am the newest member of The End of the Ocean. www.theendoftheocean.com | www.facebook.com/theendoftheocean. It’s a Post-Rock/Instrumental six piece from Columbus, Ohio. We have a tour coming up in March in support of our upcoming album “Pacific|Atlantic” so if you guys want to check out what I’m up to now, please come out! We have nationwide dates. I also just upgraded from my PDP 4 piece to a Brotherhood Custom kit. It sounds amazing! 

Rant 2.

Women.

It’s amazing what these people can do to me. I allow them to work their ways between the layers of my framework and unravel my proverbial yarn ball. Lately my number one “catch” has brought me to new heights, and dragged me to new depths. Finding it seemingly impossible to understand this one person has cause me to revert to past coping methods. Stupid. Things will work out, I am sure of it but until then nothing will be easy. My eyes can only read so much of her exploits, my ears are capable ingesting a certain amount of these statements. It’s time to let nature work. We have no control, none whatsoever. Why must we insist on trying to force this puzzle to fit? Obviously these pieces were made to be put together one at a time. Rushing will only hinder the progress and upset whoever else is trying to put it together with you. 

Rant 3.

Home.

Life at home is great for the first time in almost two years. Certain people are no longer really in my life and this has alleviated nearly all the tension between my parents and myself. Things with my sister and I are great, we’ve seen movies and I love how my relationship with her is. She’s a sweet 12 year old girl. Any guys who know me and who know her (boys in her grade that might read this), don’t even consider it. I am absolutely crazy for her. She will never date. Just throwing that out there. Sarah is the love of my life. Not only are things with her great, my older brother just asked me to be his best man. This is such an honor for me. (I get to plan his bachelor party. woot!) Life has changed, I’ve matured and it seems as though the choices I’ve made these past few months were very belated.

P.s. I someone wants to donate a DLSR camera to me, I will become your best friend. I really need one. Happy Holidays.

I just was woken up by my father who decided to inform me that there was a dent in the door track of his gold van, and that I needed to get up and buy him syrup. Can someone say… Annoyin???

My inner feelings towards other people need to stay inside. Throwing them at someone has proven itself fruitless, and I need growth. Pushing all these emotions out to the edge of this a limb apparently has been to much weight for such a twig to hold, and it snapped- causing every emotion to land back in my mouth and now renders me trying to stomach it all. The past is once again the present and will almost certainly continue into the future, but the question I’m begging to have answered is simple. How long? The myriad questions can be compressed into such a concentrated question. That all encompassing  question bears all the emotional fruits that will be abandoned and will soon wither to their untimely demise. 

Was it all for something? Or all for not? The complex infrastructure known as my universe is far too complex for me to know that at this time. Time will tell. But until it does, the only choice that is present is to push forward and hope. This love will never fade, these Memories will stay as alive as they always have been. Who would have known that one small act made out of haste could lead me down the path that I’ve taken? I aim for the path that leads to glory and wholeness- the path less traveled. Somehow I’ve been mislead and stand on a path that must be cleared on my own. I am making my own way, alone. However, I am not alone nor will I ever be. 

So, I totally slacked off on my blogging duties for about the past two months. I know it’s really not a care to anyone what I blog (except Michael, cuz he’s nosey), but dumping it all at the end of the day is nice. So much stuff has gone on since my last few posts. My mom is opening a business in Ann Arbor, Michigan. My brother has so many amazing opportunities in store for him for Grad school. Lil sis is being a lil sis,  just like she should be. And for myself, so much is going on it’s ridiculous. Venting it all out would be amazing but there will be a time when all this uncertainty can be made certain. So, on that note I will keep my mouth shut. Most of the things I was questioning in my time away from this site have been shown to be so undoubtedly true that it seems ridiculous that they were ever doubts in the first place. 

On a less serious note, I sold my camera because I had to buy a new cymbal. Yeah, It sucks. When I want a Zildjian A Custom 18 inch crash, that’s not gonna be cheap. As in, 297 dollars not cheap. So, I’m back to being broke with no source of income. I have so much stuff I need to get, and I’m not sure how it will happen yet, but I have faith again. Well, I guess you could say I have faith now. I’m going to be tumbling a lot more in the days to come. <3